Shaking the Turds Loose

Hey, you never know, I mean with senseless titles like Love a Duck…   

Set out for a nice little run this morning.  Having really fallen out of a real set pattern, now that I’m done with the training, there was just an awkward feel to the run.  When it’s awkward, it’s interesting how the self talk can go while you’re running

Me:  So where we going today?

Myself:  Dude, you really should have decided that before starting to run

Me:  Yeah, yeah.  It just feels like a good day for running, you know?

I:  I can’t shake the feeling I’m forgetting something

Me:  Forgetting what?

I:  If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t have forgotten, right?

Myself:  My back hurts

I:  Whiner

Me: Seriously, where are we going?

I:  I was thinking 5 miles

Myself:  I was thinking maybe 1.

Me:  Gotta be more than 1.

Myself:  It’s too cold to be running that far

I:  Whiner

Me:  Keep running, it will get better.

I:  Okay, how about down to the end of this road, that will be one mile, we can see how we feel from there.

Myself:  It’s up hill all the way

I:  Whiner

Me:  Pant

Myself:  Gasp

I:  Wheeze

Myself:  Who’s whining now?

I:  That’s wheezing.  It’s different.  It means I’m working hard

Myself:  Sounds to me like it means you’re out of shape

Me:  Speak for yourself.

The guy writing the blog:  It kinda goes on like that, you know?  I could really feel the difference of not running regularly.  Any thoughts of 5 miles were put to rest pretty quickly, especially during that first mile which is just a long, slow, steady uphill run.  But it is funny, isn’t it, how it starts to feel more natural as you go and get into a rhythm.  It definitely started feeling a lot better after getting to the end of the road, taking a couple turns, then running back down the hill.

Me:  I’m feeling a lot better now

Myself:  Yeah, this feels good.

I:  Maybe we could do five.

Me.  Maybe.

Myself:  What about if we turn down that way, cross over the street that leads to the house, keep going, loop around that park over there then back to the house.  That would be at least 3

I:  Woohoo.  A 5k.

Me:  At least!  Then we could see how we feel, maybe go on from there right?

Myself.  You keep saying we.  There is no we.  There’s only 1 of us here, don’t forget that.

I:  Whiner

Me:  You got a point.  Man, if anyone ever knew about these kinds of conversations…

Myself:  It could be bad.  Really bad.

Me:  I don’t want to be locked up in a padded room.

I:  Whiner

Me:  Shut up.

I:  No, you shut up.

Myself:  Listen to yourselves

Me:  Self

Myself:  Shut up.

I:  Okay, we’re agreed.  No one lets anyone know about this conversation, right?

Myself:  Agreed

Me:  Agreed.

Myself:  There’s our street…  let’s call it a day.  

Me:  No way.  This run is feelinlg too good.

I:  Rutro.

Myself:  What?

I:  I just remembered what it is I forgot.

Me:  What do you mean?

I:  You know, when we were training, we had that morning routine down pretty good, right?

Myself:  Yeah…

I:  Early breakfast, coffee

Myself:  Shower

Me:  Bathroom

Myself:  Uh oh

Me:  Oh no

Myself:  Oh crap

I:  Oh sh…

Me:  Watch your tongue

I:  I mean, I got to…

Me:  I KNOW what you mean.  

Myself:  So, home it is

I:  Man, it’s a half mile still

Me:  Hey, let’s ask that guy there if we can use his restroom.

Myself:  No way.  Too embarrassing.

I:  Shut up guys.  It’s taking all my concentration to keep from ruining this new baselayer

Myself:  Yeah… we gotta pick up the pace here, get home sooner.

Me:  Noooooo….  that’s just shaking it out faster.

I:  TMI, dude.  TMI.

Me:  Okay, so we walk?

Myself:  Too slow, we’ll never make it.

Me:  I’m telling you — there are houses all along the way here, SOMEONE’s gonna let us use their restroom

I:  Then we’d have to move

Myself:  Told you:  too embarrassing.  

Me:  I’m struck by the irony of the last few letters of that word

I:  Concentrate guys…  we got a lot going on here.  Breathing, running, keeping it all in…

 

 

Myself:  You’re awfully quiet.

I:  I’m concentrating

Me:  There’s something else going on, you have that look…

Myself.  Oh my f…

I:  Watch your tongue.

Myself:  You’re thinking about putting this in the blog.

I:  I wouldn’t

Me:  You would.  You totally are thinking of that

Myself:  No way.  No way.  NOOOOO.

Me:  I’ll kill you if you do.

I:  We’ve always tried to be transparent with the blog, right?

Me:  There’s a fine line between transparency and TMI

Myself:  Dude, that’s not a fine line.  That line’s about a mile wide and you’re still crossing it.

I:  Hey look, there’s the house

Me:  Thank God

Myself:  Hey, check it out.  1.97 miles.

Me:  We have to go.  NOW

Myself.  C’mon…  almost 2 miles… it’s just down a couple houses and back, just another .03

I:  Guys, I’m dying here.

Me:  You know….

I:  Really?  You too?

Me:  It’s not that bad, we can make it.

Myself:  What’s another few seconds?

I:  We’re going to regret this.  

Me:  We’ll be fine

I:  I cannot believe we’re doing this

Myself:  Don’t you feel better about doing the full 2 miles?

Me:  He’s right you know.  If our friends see the 1.97 they’re going to wonder why we didn’t go 3

Myself:  We’re not telling them why, ARE we?

I:  You still have that app posting every run on facebook?  People get so tired of that

Me:  We’re inspiring people

I:  We’re bragging, we’re irritating people

Myself:  We’re about to burst guys

Me:  Ohhhh…..

I:  Watch your tongue

Me:  Relief:

Myself:  Oh no.

I:  Who the HELL duct taped the toilet lid shut?

Me:  Watch your tongue

Myself:  We did.  Remember?  It started leaking right before bed.  We did this so no one would use it until we could get it fixed.

Me:  Downstairs?

Us:  OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!

Me:  You are SO not writing about this.

I:  If no one knows who wrote it, it could be funny.

Myself:  Oh no.  Not happening.

 

The moral of the story?  Don’t forget your morning routine.  Better yet, don’t fall out of the morning routine, especially for important stuff like this, if you’re planning on going out for an extended period of time.  And yeah, we…  ummm…  I made it okay.  Barely.  But we don’t need to get into those kinds of details.

Me:  I KNOW you didn’t eat that much yesterday

I:  Wow

Myself:  TMI, dude.  TMI

Me:  I cannot believe you’re writing this down

I:  I have the perfect solution

Myself:  This I have to see.

 

Special thanks to our friendly anonymous guest poster

Me:  They are so going to see through this

I:  No they won’t

Myself:  *sigh*

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About Ron Walter

I'm just a guy who was so out of shape he couldn't run to get out of the rain. I'm taking my life back. It's not always perfect, not always successful. The victories though are greater than the defeats. I plan to keep it that way.
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15 Responses to Shaking the Turds Loose

  1. Krissy says:

    I have these fricken EXACT CONVERSATIONS! And this has happened to me before! OMG I thought I was going to die. It was my first ever 9 miles. I couldn’t tell if I had to fart or Crap. I finally looked around and said this is it, what ever it is is coming out RIGHT NOW!

    THE LOUDEST FART A GIRL HAS EVER LET OUT

    THANK YOU BABY JESUS FOR NOT LETTING ME CRAP MYSELF!

  2. Krissy says:

    PS. I’ve shared this blog post on my personal Facebook page and Not Fast Just Fabulous Facebook page.

    Now the word is out. Everyone craps. Even runners.

  3. jodyberkey says:

    Wow! Thanks for sharing this Krissy. Too funny. Ronald, you’re one of a kind, dude!

  4. Sher says:

    Hahaha…. truth in those words… Just a question: Am I the only one that looks around to make sure there is no one there to hear before you let that fart out?? LOL

  5. LOL! Definitely a good idea to lighten the load before heading out. 😀

  6. Denny says:

    Great post!

    The me, myself, & I banter is something I deal with all of the time.

    And who hasn’t feared a shart or worse on a run at some point!

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